Entry #1

KanyeInterruptedMe

To start with, obviously, my name isn't 'KanyeInterruptedMe'.

Nor is it Kim. 

No, I'm an anonymous writer hiding behind the safety and security of a pseudonym, living what some might say is a double life.

I'm petrified of being found out. Writing isn't embarrassing, but baring my soul can be, and that is what writing is for me: Letting people see what goes on in my mind.

I have a fairly good idea of what my lovely old parents would think about the things I write, but that's beside the point.

I live in a country called South Africa (home of Trevor Noah, Nelson Mandela, the vuvuzela, Black Coffee, and boerwors). I began my Wattpad journey in 2011, shortly after high school, when a friend recommended it to me. I wish I could say we were talking like normal teenagers about our love of books and writing, and Wattpad's name came up, but that's not exactly how it happened. Yes, we bonded over books, but the only reason I was even at her place that weekend was because my family and I had just been evicted from our apartment. My dad had lost his job and hadn't been paying rent, and the little my mother made went to bills, groceries, school tuition and other very important things. She hadn't been that successful job-wise, but she did what she could.

Anyway, we were pretty much squatting at my friend (let's call her Sarah)'s house with her family. It was awful. They weren't bad people (of course they weren't, they let another family come to live with them) but they obviously didn't understand the situation. My father is quite educated. Very educated, actually. He's in the medical field, and he's been in the medical field for about forty years now. So how could he be out of work and let things get this bad? It wasn't our first eviction, and fast forward a couple more years, it wasn't going to be our last.

I'm going slightly off topic and it's making me a little bit tearful writing this because I've never ever written all of this down, or told anyone but my current boyfriend. It's making me just a bit afraid that there might be thousands of people who might read this, but I wanted to share my story because I want you guys to understand that writing really did save me. It really did. 

But anyway. Sarah recommended Wattpad to me and I got onto my phone and looked it up. I was instantly hooked. Kids my age and younger were writing and uploading their stories. I had a whole bunch of them written on my mother's laptop that nobody had ever read and I had to debate with myself if I should ever upload them (scary!). I started off writing sci-fi and horror stories, short ones, that were completely cringeworthy. Weak plots, cliche characters, bad dialogue - you name it, my stories had it. But they were my stories, my ideas. After a long time, I decided to share them.

And then I discovered romance.

What a time to be alive!

We were bouncing up and down between family friends' houses but through that time, I had Wattpad to keep me company. I spent my coins at internet cafes just so I could upload chapters when I got the chance, and at some point, I found myself working at 17 at a law firm as a PA to the senior partner. That meant two words: free internet. Most of my day was spent at the computer anyway so that was when I would find time to write and upload, write and upload. I had nothing much to look forward to than when I was writing at that computer. 

One of my first ever books was a completely cringeworthy, infantile, unrealistic book that some of you might know as Sexing the Sexy Spanish Stepdad (yay for alliteration). I didn't expect it to get so popular, but there you go. It did. With over twenty chapters averaging 700 words per chapter, it brought a lot of my earlier readers to my profile. Looking back, I'm not sure why it was so popular, but I am grateful that I wrote it. I've grown since then.

Fast forward over a couple more years to when I moved countries for school. When I say Wattpad saved me, Wattpad freaking saved me. I was in college studying something I didn't want to study, just because it was what we could afford, and I got contracted for a job by Wattpad. Do you know why I'm grateful for all of you? Because without you, I would never have been picked for that opportunity. Without you reading, commenting and voting on my stories, I would never have been on anyone's radar. It's because of all of you that I got to go to university to pursue my dream and that I am here now.

I have never asked my parents for a cent since I finished high school. I'm 25 now. I have tried to support myself (and sometimes my family) as best as I could. I'm proud of where I am now, but it gets so hard. There were moments in my life when I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. When I thought about taking my life. I've been an adult long before I hit 18 and I've seen and done things no child shouldn't have. 

My reality now is that everything feels like it's falling apart. It's felt that way for a while. Over a year ago, I lost my baby and it was my fault. But I have the most amazing boyfriend who has been with me going onto two years now. I didn't have a laptop or phone for a period of time (I got both sorted out only recently thanks to the kindness of people I know) and I was struggling to write or do my assignments. My dad was forcefully retired last year. 'Forcefully' because he wanted and needed his job to provide for my two siblings, but because he hit the legal age of retirement back home (which is 65), he had no choice. My family is being evicted soon. They're in arrears with the bills because they couldn't pay them off. In the two or so years that I've been away, everything has fallen apart. I feel useless because they are on one continent and I'm on another. I've been working so hard to support myself and it's honestly like nothing I do pays off. I don't think I'm going to go to school this semester, nor are either of my siblings.

I don't want to bore you with these details. I'm not a negative person. Offline, people would be shocked to find out that this is what has been going on in my life. I don't believe in bringing people down with my shit and I always try to deal with my problems myself. It hurts to write all this down and I spent an entire day wondering if I should even post it. This is personal, the most personal post I have ever written in my life, and I wanted to share it with you guys.

If someone asks me, "Are you okay?", my answers is always, always "YES!" But I'm not. I'm not okay. My brain never shuts down worrying and thinking. I've cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. Life has its ups and downs. I know that. I also know that I'm not the only person going through a thunderstorm. I know that. But I'm tired. 

Please check on your friends, even the ones who always tell you that they're okay. They might be lying. Or they just might not want to bother you with their problems. I feel alone sometimes and I need to be alone sometimes but surrounding myself with friends always makes me happy, even if they don't know what's going on. You never know how you might be brightening someone else's day. 

I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me via whatever platform. I'm sorry I haven't been able to get back to you in time. I appreciate your concern and your prayers and your thoughts. I love you guys and I want to start updating again. I just need to sort out my life first.  

(Please ignore any errors. This isn't proofread.)

-KanyeInterruptedMe